LET'S DO THIS

[LET'S DO THIS]

After eventually passing out at my laptop yesterday and waking up with keyboard prints all over my cheek, I am now ready to begin my mspaintadventure of epic proportions

I have saved the url

I have clicked the auto-save button

THERE IS NO GOING BACK NOW

Hello there Mr. Main Protagonist Sir I hope we can get along
For a while I considered reading this entire thing through gizoogle
But it turned out to be too much effort
The first page is gold though and I honestly hope somebody has already photoshopped it to make John look like more of a lil Playa in a pimp room
If nobody has then I want no part in this fandom

[LET'S DO THIS]

Mr. Main Protagonist’s name is JOHN which I ALREADY KIND OF KNEW
I actually couldn’t avoid getting to know some things about HS before I read it

For example John Egbert Rose Lalonde ascend descend rise up abscond
And also that I can’t fight it
It was always turning since the world was burning or something

He also appears to be one of the nerdiest nerds who ever nerded which is great
And this whole Interactive Fiction thing was probably really fun back when you still got to submit suggestions :’(

This way I’ll just have to power through the puzzles while somehow still keeping track of what’s happening

This is the weirdest most overly complicated inventory system of all time which is probably the entire point but still Imagine having to live like that

Just trying to pick up school supplies and then losing them to sylladex nirvana and launching everything else you have with you into your teacher’s face until you finally get to your fucking calculator wOW

[LET'S DO THIS]

OK ok Okay wow I wasn’t gonna mention this but now I will
John’s Dad is appearantly a lot like my mum it’s kind of unnerving
Though the notes usually reek of MOTHERLY HAIR SPRAY AND SWEETS

Also “squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk”
Homestuck please
it takes more than that to weird me out
Years ago when I was still a dumb little shit unfamiliar with the inner workings of the internet and barely able to speak english
I used to be an anime
That’s right had this blog for a day and already the dark secrets are spilling out
I mean I don’t hate it now I just hate my dumbass narutoobsessed 12-year-old self

What I was trying to get at originally is that
NOTHING that happens in this comic could possibly make me raise a single eyebrow
Believe me
I have seen weirder dumber and more random things

[LET'S DO THIS]

I have seen precisely zero of these movies
I guess that’s a good thing since John’s taste in movies is explicitly said to be terrible
But I still feel kind of out of the loop

JOHN HONEY
I can appreciate a well-made nerdy wallpaper
But this is not one of those
Though the filenames really speak to me on an emotional level
I know that feel, bro
I know that feel
Also heh
Tilde Ath
Caret Cake
Don’t think you can slip a subtle pun by me I will sniff those motherfuckers out like a police dog hunting for crack

[LET'S DO THIS]

OK so John and… TurntechGodhead what really that’s the username you’re going with are you sure
Can you at least back up that claim

oh well

they talk about piss and punchable faces in a style of conversation that I actually really like
They almost sound like real people
That is a greater achievement than you might think

ANd THE MAIL IS THERE WOOHOO AND JOHN’S FACE IS ADORABLE YAY

BUT OH NO PARENTAL PREVENTION OF PACKAGE PERUSAL

[LET'S DO THIS]

Sometimes you feel like you are trapped in this room. Stuck, if you will, in a sense which possibly borders on the titular.

And now your chum is pestering you again. The clockwork of friendship turns ceaselessly, operating the swing-lever dealies of harassment in perpetuity!

I only barely know three people right now but

I don’t think this is going to change

Guys

My favourite Homestuck character is the Narrator

Ok Some more fucking around and something about a strife specibus
Hairdryerkind and Fireworkskind are just all kinds of amazing ~.~
All of this is probably important I’ll try to remember

[LET'S DO THIS]

TG: hope you like hammers dude!

EB: yeah, that’s fine i guess. i can’t imagine it’s going to be all that relevant.

seriously
SERIOUSLY

Okay for one thing yeah I don’t really see why regular people would only have one specific object they can fight with or why they would fight at all
And if there actually are like wild ravenous animals and/or door-to-door salesmen they need to fight off on a daily basis
THen WHY wouldn’t you know about this shit and WHY would you pick anything that isn’t a gun or at least pepper spray or something

I mean I realize this is supposed to be like a wacky textadventure-RPG hybrid even the title is a pun on Earthbound
But sheesh even Ness just picked up a random baseball bat
This kid’s life is hard

This though

This entire page is possibly the greatest thing I have ever read in my life
It is so gloriously awful
the mad stunts all wicked-up ins
Don’t burn it John
Put it in a time capsule
Frame it in pure gold and put it on your wall
Don’t burn it

[LET'S DO THIS]

John? Who is this “John” you speak of? You are quite certain there has never been, nor ever will be…

Yeah, this is a really shitty disguise.

John Egbert, infuriatingly adorable little shit

Sweet Jesus there are clowns harlequins everywhere is his dad Jonathan Crane or something
Was his entire life an experiment is he TRYING to make him afraid of clowns
Imagine having to leave your room at night to go to the bathroom and
that fucking abomination is just
staring at you
OH God the living room is so much worse
Check out that picture over the staircase with the weird-ass clown hands on it
Sweet Jesus

It doesn’t burn as quickly as you hoped.

JOHN NO YOU DO NOT BURN ART (╯°□°）╯

[LET'S DO THIS]

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd now there’s grandmother all over the floor
Good job
I was gonna say something about how this always happens
It’s like Chekhov’s Urn
But then the Narrator already pointed it out

Contemplating what could be inside this package is sort of exciting, but it makes you a little nervous at the same time.

With a dad like that
yeah
you SHOULD be nervous
His notes are kind but his mind is sick
It’s pretty obvious that it’s a -

Oh hell no.

Yes exactly

[LET'S DO THIS]

John just can’t stand being without his precious fake arms apparently
Although I think I know what he’s going to do with them
And if I’m right it is going to be wonderful

John talks to another one of his friends (I think only green text girl is missing now? GardenGnostic)
And her screenname is
is
um
wow
I think I already love her

TT: I understand you have recently come into possession of the beta release of “The Game of the Year”, as featured in respectable periodicals such as GameBro Magazine.

respectable periodicals
finally somebody understands

TT: I can’t control myself.
TT: I must have a weakness for insufferable pricks.

Ok so by now we have
An adorable nerd
An insufferable prick
and the Queen of Sarcasm, Supreme Ruler of Deadpan Island, Snarkiest of them all
I’m only concluding this from a few lines of dialogue
But first impressions are important